After a few great days of presenting at Bret Harte High School, I ended up back in my rental car with a long drive to the airport yesterday. I listened to the latest podcast of This American Life, and then decided to go deeper into my iPhone and played music from The Who’s Tommy. I had attempted to show the opening guitar part of Pinball Wizard to a friend’s daughter the previous evening after she had played a few awesome songs around the dinner table, but my phone simply wasn’t loud enough. Now, the song blasted through my car’s speakers and I was having a great day.
Eventually, the tracks cycled to I’m Free.
Perhaps I should rewind a bit. If you haven’t seen or heard The Who’s Tommy, you really need to–it’s one of my favorites. The show focuses on Tommy. As a child, Tommy sees in the mirror his father (surprisingly everyone by being alive and returning from war) kill Tommy’s mother’s lover in a fight. Tommy’s parents tell him that he didn’t see anything, hear anything, or feel anything. In the process, he becomes completely isolated from all sensation in the world. His childhood is dark with further abuse from his uncle and cousin. Eventually, it becomes apparent that Tommy can play Pinball incredibly. He gets fame and fortune. His parents suspect something. Medical officials tell them that he has all sensations. One night in pure anger, his mom smashes the mirror, and Tommy’s isolation ends. There’s more to the show, but I’ll end my summary there.
So I’m listening to I’m Free, I’m thinking about the mirror smashing, and I’m reflecting on the day that I just had at the school. I finished a few days of Breaking Down the Walls, a program I present from time to time. During one section of the day, tears can occur–it’s not why we do the activity or the goal of the activity, but tears can happen. On Wednesday, there were a few more tears than I normally see as students thought about aspects of their life. At the end of the day, I ended up talking with one of the adults who participated during the day and how she felt about it. She appreciated what the program did and found herself reflecting on where she was in high school, how she felt about these things then, and how she feels about them now.
It hit me.
It really made me think.
As I celebrated ASU’s Homecoming last week and get closer to my 30th birthday, I’ve found myself thinking a bit about the past. For the most part, I’ve been thinking about fun celebrations and memories with friends. I’ve thought about key players who’ve helped me get where I am today. In general the last 30 years were good to me and I look forward to many, many, many more years. I don’t feel old in this world, and so I’m not struggling with this birthday.
However, I have thought a bit about some wasted opportunities.
There have definitely been moments in my life where I end up being like the young Tommy in the show, staring into the mirror, thinking about the past, and doing nothing in the present. No, I didn’t have a traumatic childhood–far from it–but I have been faced with the same disappointment, rejection, and fear that a lot of us face. A few years ago, a girl broke up with me (something pretty common), and I ended up spending a few months in a rut. In the process, I missed out. That’s just one example–I hate to admit it, but there are more.
I think more of us need to smash the mirror and begin to feel free again.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should deny emotion. I believe that emotion is an incredibly important part of the human experience. I’m glad that I’m a sensitive male, and I honestly see no shame in crying.
I cry. I laugh. I get angry. I get worried. All of this is normal–I think the problem is when we hit the pause button on one or more of the negative emotions.
It’s getting easier for us to do this as people. We can put up a status on facebook and stay in that emotional state. I’m shocked by the number of people who post some melancholy thought on a Friday night, just hoping that others will reply to it. We feel good when people do, and that feeds that melancholy behavior even more.
Again, I’m not saying, “Don’t ever feel sad or angry,” but I think there is a better way to feel those emotions. When I got home last night, I walked past the bookshelf in my room and picked up my much loved copy of Tuesdays with Morrie (if you haven’t read this book yet, READ IT). I had talked about it a bit over the past few days with some students when responding to the question, “What is your favorite book?” The true story focuses on Morrie Schwartz, a former Sociology professor, and one of his former students, Mitch Albom, as they have a series of discussions in the weeks leading up to Morrie’s death from ALS. On one day they talk about the feelings, and Morrie describes how he wakes up each day and he feels sad and depressed and frustrated and angry and bitter, and those emotions flood over him. However, he goes on to say that after a moment he recognizes he’s already felt all of those emotions that day and it’s time for him to live.
At times I’ve let myself wallow in sadness. I’ve let rejection or the fear of it prevent me from creating some new great memories. I’ve let anger delay reconciliation and valuable time with family or friends. I’ve stared in the mirror during times in my life, unhappy with what I saw, but unwilling (not unable) to step away to create something new.
I look back at most of these times now with a completely different viewpoint. Sure, I’m still going to face sadness, anger, frustration, and rejection in the future. Sure there will be times when I want to just listen to the sad or angry music and feel that emotion. However, I really do believe that in the future, I won’t get trapped again.
I’m free…
…and I hope you feel that way too.
One quick tip: Something that has really helped me to be in this better place more. In the past few weeks, when I wake up, I think about everything I am grateful for (seriously, I take 5-7 minutes just reflecting on a long list). Instead of focusing on what is “missing” in my life, I think about the really cool things that are part of it. I just start my day so much better.